Monday, February 25, 2013

This Strange and Magnetic Force

"Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.  Make me hear joy and gladness, That the bones You have broken may rejoice.  Hide Your face from my sins, And blot out all my iniquities.  Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Do not cast me away from Your presence, And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.  Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.  Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, And sinners shall be converted to You."  Psalm 51: 7-13

India.  The pull that these beautiful people and this country have on me is absolutely ridiculous.  Sometimes, I can't even focus on my school work because I am just thinking about when God is going to let me go there.  I mean, how hard is it to know where you are called and just feel the need to love these people without knowing when?  I know I'm going, I just didn't know when.  And I still don't know when I will go to actually stay and live there.  But I know that God is placing my feet on Indian soil this summer.  For two weeks, I am going to be blessed with the opportunity to love the people who absolutely have my heart.  And I have never been more excited in my life.

As I am sitting here typing this through tears, I am amazed at how God wants me to be a part of His global mission.  I am absolutely not capable.  I am a mere 19 year old American girl.  I am inherently sinful.  Selfish.  Unworthy.  A screw up.  But God loves me.  He wants me.  He has asked me to have a part in handing out His-oh-so-great invitation!  To love those who need it the most deeply.  Those who need Him the most.  And all that I can do is surrender.  To throw up my hands and say, "My life is not my own.  Take it.  Use it.  All of it.  I am Yours."

Monday, February 18, 2013

Love Is In the Air

Last Thursday, February 14th, was my 20th Valentine's Day without having that "someone special."

As a child, Valentine's Days were not really difficult.  Everyone received cards and candy.
In middle school, it was apparent to me that something was missing. But never fear, I knew I would have a valentine in high school.
High school came and went.  No valentines.  But of course, I would definitely have a valentine in college.
First year of college started.  I had a boyfriend, so the whole valentine thing looked promising.  But, we broke up before I even had a chance to finally have a valentine.

Obviously, this Valentine's Day would be terrible... right?
Wrong. Sure, there were moments that were difficult.  Both of my roommates had a lovely time with their boyfriends while I snacked on leftover chocolate... Not my idea of a great way to spend this fabulous day.  But, due to the imminent danger of discontentment creeping in and ruining my day, I decided to really dive into the Word and see what God had to say about love and my singleness.

A verse that really stuck out to me was Song of Solomon 8:4.  "I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases."  This refrain is repeated many times in the book by the bride of Solomon.  She has experienced true romantic love and is urging her friends to wait for it.  This reminds me of what I am supposed to be doing; waiting.  Until the day that God reveals to me the man that He has for me, I am waiting.  Until God has given me the okay to give my heart up, I am waiting.  Until it is His perfect timing, I am waiting.

Experiencing discontentment about my singleness is not trusting God.  Throughout all of those years of being sad without a valentine, my discontentment was caused by anger that God was not sticking to my plans for my life.  Because obviously, I have learned in my 19 years that I am so awesome and successful at planning every part of my life. (Read previous sentence with extreme sarcasm :P)  Fun fact: I'm not. And usually it doesn't work out at all how I think it is supposed to.  But that just goes to show that God often has a different plan for my life.  I just have to trust that He knows what He is doing.  Whether or not He ever brings me that 'special someone,' I have to remember that He has a beautiful plan for my life.

So, as I am recovering from being made acutely aware of just how single I am, I am reminded of God's intense, unfathomable love for me.  It fills me up in a way that romantic love never ever will be able to.  And even if He brings me a super godly, super awesome, super hot husband one day, His love will be what is gets me through.  For now, I just have to lean back, trust Him, and enjoy the ride as He reveals His plan for me in His timing.  I know that some plans I have made for myself will not come to fruition.  Like, I am 97% positive that I will not get married at the age of 20.  And I'm okay with that; His plan is much, much better than mine anyway. :)

Monday, February 4, 2013

Changing Tides

You know, it is so hard to blog consistently.  If I kept this up with every single thing God does in my life, I would be blogging every second of every day.  And then I would probably flunk out of college.... no good. :)

However, I just want to quickly say how amazing He is.  God is faithful.  He is love.  He is just.  He is perfect.  He is righteous.  He is awe-inspiring.  He is so much that I cannot even hope to fathom.  My prayer is that He completely, totally takes me over.  My whole self, my whole life, my everything.  I want Him to fully reign in my life so that He can use me to show others that He reigns over all!

The spectacular things is, I can feel it happening.  It's an ever-present, soft spark of change.  I can feel my heart starting to grow more and more tender, more and more like His.  He is teaching me to love those He loves.  All those that He loves.  He is pushing me to make myself uncomfortable so that I can grow in my relationships, my faith, and ultimately, my trust in Him.  He is showing me His all-encompassing, crazy, radical, beautiful love for me in a way that is clearer than it ever has been before.  He is giving me a love and an interest in all different cultures, and ethnicities that I could never imagine having.  I can feel the tides changing and everyday, I feel God molding me more and more into a woman after His own heart.  A woman that I was made to be.

He is sufficient.

He is enough.

I am blessed.